Fufurufa, it means fucking whore prostitute bitch in Colombian, tops the list. Ross, you are a fufurufu.
There have been a lot of questions milling around about whether or not Heim and I have been GCDW (collectively) down here and I want to start this post off by clearing it up: with all likelyhood jeboy B. Raves has surveyed more pune in the past month than Trav and I combined... if only for the fact that he gets porn in the office and trav and i have to sneak a colombian maxim into the bathroom (now heim hides it, jealous bitch). COLOMBIA HAS BEEN DRY MEBOYS! at least I think it has. Theim could be working the nasty as I speak, but I´ll come back to that.
Weve developed a comprehensive list of excuses to save my precious ego and heims precious reflection from taking too solid of a hit. Weve decided that there is no chance that we are not hot enough, or dont have enough game to pull pussy. Its just that we havent figured out the rules yet. And let me tell you, this shit aint easy.
Example A: Brendan meets a seemingly innocent young (dont ask how young cause I have no fucking clue, dont ask dont tell meboys) lady at a classy bar (10 dollars for all that you can drink, chicks in free, guy that looks like Tobar singing 80´s rock and samba music on top of the bar, 14 year olds with braces admitted (weve got the picks! hotties). Obviously, she falls madly in love with him. A given.
Brendan gets back to the internet to creep on her, learns 2 pics in that his innocent little girly is actually a stagedancer. Things are never what they seem.
A trail of fbook messages leads to the decision to go to a movie after class one day last week. Then i invite the stagedancer to our apartment before the movie so that we can ride to the movie together and she freaks! She spits out something about "improprio" which I assumed meant that her cune was getting wet and then refused to talk to me again. Game over. Stagedancer 1, Brendan 0.
Then we get to Companera Draft Day. Trav and I managed to snag an excel file on EVERY chick in the school (i know how fucking SIIIICK are we) that is looking to be an intercambio partner (they learn english, you try to touch thier vaginas). Anyways, 4000 pesos worth of facebook creeping later we each have our selections down to 3 from a list of 400 and we do a draft, one by one til we each have our top three to message to become our partners. We send em out and wait.
A week passes, and I get one message back, Trav gets none (probably bc im sicker). Mine agrees to meet, i check fbook and she also decided that today was a good day to start a relationship. Ive got nothing. Anyways, late that week Trav gets hit up. Its his 3rd rounder, a true wildcard (her fbook pic had 4 people in it, 2 possible bfs and 2 chicks - one hot, one horse).
Trav meets up with his companera the next day, he comes to get me (im looking at underage girls in the cafeteria) to introduce me... i see a heimatime shiteating grin.... FUCK FUCK FUCK, i knew it before i saw her. Trav 1, Brendan 0, Stagedancer 1.
FUCKING GORGEOUS, this chick is like a colombian (believe me they look different than mexicans) Penelope Cruz. FUCKING GORGEOUS. And just to make it even more aparent how much Im fucked in the situation Penelope Cruz´s three closest friends (withwhom shes sitting) are fucking dogs... scratch that, 2 dogs, one horse (serioulsy hilarious, trav will post a pic for ya). Thats rule number 2, every sexy lady in Colombia roles with a crew of troll henchmen so that the wingman clearly knows that he is a wingman and the Bella knows that she is a fucking dime.
Trav works his mojo and Penelope is coming to our apartment for drinks on Friday, she says she might bring friends. As much as I want to talk in spanish to a horse all night I decide to get crafty on it. I call up another classy lady that I met in a bar (this one is 18 and I know it.... before i learned the dont ask dont tell rule) anyways, this one only speaks spanish as well. We have a 10 minute convo in broken spanish (on my part) over the phone and I emerge triumphant into the living room with trav. Shes coming out and bringing her brother (which strangely is normal around here). Anways, travs chick shows up at our place WITH ALL THREE HENCHMEN... then my chick shows up. Hermana sounds a lot like hermano, she was with her sister, she doesnt have brother.
We fight through a night trying to entertain 6 chicks withonly our striking good looks and Cat in the Hat Spanish. We fail miserably. Travis gets his tongue wet.
Date numero 2 was tonight. Movie in spanish. While Travs working his game I find his Maxim and jerk it. Twice. Gotcha bitch. A small reprieve for a sad lottery pitfall. Penelope asks him to meet the parents (I cant wait to live vicariously through that one). I leave to use the internet to let heimawork that heima magic when they get home. Hes been practicing choice words for the occasion for the last few days: ejacular, prematurar, of course the worldrenouned El Moodhino.... ill leave the rest of the story to jaboy
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Shut down, crashed, and burned
So last night B and I decided to go out and see for ourselves what this famous Medellin nightlife had to offer. From what everyone in the hostel had been saying, we had imagened that every girl in the club would be fucking gorgeous, aided by one of colombia´s domestic products (plastic surgery) and that they would throw their tits in our face as soon as they saw our gringo asses walk in. I mean come on, the guys telling us how hot and easy the girls are, undoubtedly have much less going for them compared to the world´s best, a.k.a. Pikes.
So we paid 20,000 pesos to get in to a club, got a free shot, and started looking around the place. There definitely were some hot girls there but we weren´t overly impressed. At this point we thought our odds would increase if we drank a few more beers and we definitely felt kind of out of place. In hindsight, drinking does not help our spanish game. We spotted the part of the club that had the highest per capita hottness in the club and in our attempt to ignore our uneasy feeling, we went straight for the corner with this group of girls. Before we approached them, we mentioned that they didn´t look like they wanted to interact with anybody outside of their group, it was some kind of girls night or bachlorette party. But sticking true to Brendan´s amp level and persuasion, we went in for the kill. He moved in first to one of the more attractive ones, i´d say an 8, and started talking with her. Meanwhile, i moved in on a 9, and attempted to work my Heimojo in spanish. About 30 seconds into our conversations, we looked at each other and instantly recognized that we we´re crashin hard in our attempts. We left the girls and regrouped to say how our conversations went.
My conversation contained maybe 4-5 sentences, mostly which were spoken by me, and the only thing she said to me was, ¨i have a boyfriend. leave me alone cause there are a lot of other girls here.¨ On that note like a jackass i said, ok, well it was nice to meet you and i enjoyed the talk.
Brendan´s conversation lasted 5 or 6 sentences long, just long enough for the chick to tell him that she had a girlfriend and wasn´t interested! As expected, Brendan tried to get the point across that he was cool with girl on girl action and 3-somes. she more or less responded with, no chance in hell.¨
¨We successfully achieved the most common shut down and the more unexpected I have a girlfriend. But the one thing we can say from this, in the famous word of Brendan P Mulholland at formal 07, ¨the only place we can go is up¨
So we paid 20,000 pesos to get in to a club, got a free shot, and started looking around the place. There definitely were some hot girls there but we weren´t overly impressed. At this point we thought our odds would increase if we drank a few more beers and we definitely felt kind of out of place. In hindsight, drinking does not help our spanish game. We spotted the part of the club that had the highest per capita hottness in the club and in our attempt to ignore our uneasy feeling, we went straight for the corner with this group of girls. Before we approached them, we mentioned that they didn´t look like they wanted to interact with anybody outside of their group, it was some kind of girls night or bachlorette party. But sticking true to Brendan´s amp level and persuasion, we went in for the kill. He moved in first to one of the more attractive ones, i´d say an 8, and started talking with her. Meanwhile, i moved in on a 9, and attempted to work my Heimojo in spanish. About 30 seconds into our conversations, we looked at each other and instantly recognized that we we´re crashin hard in our attempts. We left the girls and regrouped to say how our conversations went.
My conversation contained maybe 4-5 sentences, mostly which were spoken by me, and the only thing she said to me was, ¨i have a boyfriend. leave me alone cause there are a lot of other girls here.¨ On that note like a jackass i said, ok, well it was nice to meet you and i enjoyed the talk.
Brendan´s conversation lasted 5 or 6 sentences long, just long enough for the chick to tell him that she had a girlfriend and wasn´t interested! As expected, Brendan tried to get the point across that he was cool with girl on girl action and 3-somes. she more or less responded with, no chance in hell.¨
¨We successfully achieved the most common shut down and the more unexpected I have a girlfriend. But the one thing we can say from this, in the famous word of Brendan P Mulholland at formal 07, ¨the only place we can go is up¨
Monday, August 25, 2008
fake tits n braces
hey jaboys! round one for me (internet cafes aint cheap muthafuckas)... trav kicked it off pretty well, but the story goes on (and then dies off quickly)..... weve (get used to no punctuation bc these spanish keyboards are more fucked up than jayce) had a few more solid nights with our columbian mofiosos... caught between a real old rock and a teetering on prepubescent hard place (that doesnt even make fucking sense) the next night we rolled with the crew after the one trav described heading to the bar I had to make the call between the post'menopause mom and the models friend from baranquilla (for everyone besides jayce thats where shakira is from)... volumptuous curves, sassy lil smile, huge fucking tits... AND braces!! the mitch in me percervered and i took the lil girl by the hand... tell chaz to send our salsa dancing dvd back, bc within minutes of getting this pico lil minor into the salsa club she wanted absolutely nothing to do with my gringo ass... my ability to dance salsa in columbia is verifiably as bad as bravos chances of having sex before (or after) marriage..... anyways, she moved onto heim, HE got to hold her hand while i sat looking on jealously and working on being nice enough not to get killed by the mobster... it all worked out though, bc daddy called toward the end of the night bf trav could hit it and said that fannie (siiiiick name right) had to be home so she wouldnt be tired for her quinceanera the next day.
Spent the last few days relaxing on the most beautiful fucking beach in the world (check it out on heimas fbook) and then hopped over on a night bus to the hometown of Pablo Escobar (Medellin)...... so far this place is rediculous... we got in on sun night and all that anyone at the hostel was talking about was how fucking hot the girls were here... actually thats pretty much all weve heard about this place period... it is the epicenter of cheap breast implants in the world... if trav and I dont have a few stories for you boys before we head out Im sellin the Nut on ebay.
much love,
B
Spent the last few days relaxing on the most beautiful fucking beach in the world (check it out on heimas fbook) and then hopped over on a night bus to the hometown of Pablo Escobar (Medellin)...... so far this place is rediculous... we got in on sun night and all that anyone at the hostel was talking about was how fucking hot the girls were here... actually thats pretty much all weve heard about this place period... it is the epicenter of cheap breast implants in the world... if trav and I dont have a few stories for you boys before we head out Im sellin the Nut on ebay.
much love,
B
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Colombian illegal money loaner
So scratch the whole brendan story, he´s busy so my version will have to suffice. Location= Cartagena, Colombia So on our 4th night in colombia, we decided to go out for our first night. We went to the main strip of bars and discos and eneded up at a bavarian bar because all the other places tried to charge us a ridiculuos entrance fee. They actually have gringo )white person) prices, and colombian prices. Being that it was me, brendan, and 3 irish guys, we didn´t have much of a chance escaping that door price. Anyhow, we were still the only gringos in the bar, as for most of the city as it is the off season. After a couple rounds of beer, I decided to lean over and talk to the very attractive colombian girl sitting near our table. Simply just to ask in spanish what time the bar closed. This didn´t go over so well as they thought that I was hitting on her. Little did i Know that she was a colombian model and her boyfriend was sitting right there. Once they told me that, I simply continued to carryon on a coversation in spanish and once they realized I didn´t simply want to hit on the HOT colombia, but just practice spanish, they warmed up to us. After about an hour and a half conversation with them in spanish, They invited brendan and myself, and the irish guys even though they never talked ot them, to come back to their place for some drinks. This is at 3 or 4 am. We decided it seemed fairly safe so we took a few taxis back to their place and continue to drink aguardiente, a fire water of around 35 percent alcohol, til 7 in the morning. They were acutally disappointed in us when we said we had to leave at 7 to go sleep. I think they could have patied til about 10 or so, and I haven´t even told you that their mom was partying this whole time with us! haha. Best part of the mom though was something I didn´t know. One of the reasons they invited us back to their place is because the 45 year old mom had been rubbign brendan´s leg in the bar. The next 3 hours in their house proceded with us teaching them how to shotgun beers, fuck yeah America!, and them pushing brendan into the mom´s room to ¨wake her up¨. It was a prety wierd dynamic as niether b or I wanted to cross the line and piss these locals off.
Towards around 6 am, we began asking one of our friends in spanish what he did for a living. He told us that they own a clothing store next store and that he illegally loans out money. I pressed this a bit further, and it turns out he loans money out to about 50 street vendors at 20 percent per month. That explained why when we walked the street with him all the vendors praised him and treated him like the king of the district. Anyhow, i continued on to ask him in spanish what happened to people when they didn´t pay him. Ver batum the answer was, ¨pues, yo llamo mis amigos quien tener motocicletas y pistolas.¨ translated meaning I call my friends who have motorcycles and guns and force them to pay. AT this point we were saying FUCK! we´re in a this fucking house with a drug lord-king of the bronx, and we´re wondering if we we´re in way over our heads.......The mom is still trying to hook up with brendan during this time and although he pushed it off that night, we are returngin to cartagena to party with them for his birthday so we will now begin the betting on whether he will get his nut with her.....She is a 6 for a 45 year old. Please vote on the home page....P.S. this may not all make sense but i´m too fucking hungry and lazy to edit my post...Le Heim
Towards around 6 am, we began asking one of our friends in spanish what he did for a living. He told us that they own a clothing store next store and that he illegally loans out money. I pressed this a bit further, and it turns out he loans money out to about 50 street vendors at 20 percent per month. That explained why when we walked the street with him all the vendors praised him and treated him like the king of the district. Anyhow, i continued on to ask him in spanish what happened to people when they didn´t pay him. Ver batum the answer was, ¨pues, yo llamo mis amigos quien tener motocicletas y pistolas.¨ translated meaning I call my friends who have motorcycles and guns and force them to pay. AT this point we were saying FUCK! we´re in a this fucking house with a drug lord-king of the bronx, and we´re wondering if we we´re in way over our heads.......The mom is still trying to hook up with brendan during this time and although he pushed it off that night, we are returngin to cartagena to party with them for his birthday so we will now begin the betting on whether he will get his nut with her.....She is a 6 for a 45 year old. Please vote on the home page....P.S. this may not all make sense but i´m too fucking hungry and lazy to edit my post...Le Heim
About Ja Boyz
Hola Chicos,
So this is a blog soley intended for Ja Boyz. Meaning we hope to provide entertainging stories for you guys, and I sure as hell hope they will be entertaining enough to fulfill the purpose of this second blog. Therefore, don´t send this one around to the girls because as you all know, I can burn bridges with the chicas perfectly well on my own......That being said, we´ve got at least 2 good stories for you and i´ll let BNut take it away.......
So this is a blog soley intended for Ja Boyz. Meaning we hope to provide entertainging stories for you guys, and I sure as hell hope they will be entertaining enough to fulfill the purpose of this second blog. Therefore, don´t send this one around to the girls because as you all know, I can burn bridges with the chicas perfectly well on my own......That being said, we´ve got at least 2 good stories for you and i´ll let BNut take it away.......
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